


If Once More I Lose You

by DefaltManifesto



Series: Becoming a Pack [12]
Category: Teen Wolf (TV)
Genre: Gen, Mentions of Suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-07-03
Updated: 2013-07-03
Packaged: 2017-12-17 12:33:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,285
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/867598
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DefaltManifesto/pseuds/DefaltManifesto
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The conversation really was a long time coming. There was only so long you could hide things from your best friend after all.</p>
            </blockquote>





	If Once More I Lose You

**Author's Note:**

> Once again, title is taken from a Say Anything song, this one being Plea. I was missing Jackson so I needed to get my Jackson feels out of the way. The focus is going to swing back to Scott in the next fic I believe. Hope you like this one, comments are loved.

Jackson didn't talk about it, not to Isaac and not to Lydia. It wasn't that he was avoiding it exactly, he just didn't know if he could face up to it without breaking.

He woke, choking on his own scream. He rolled onto his stomach to bury his face in the pillow, muffling his gasping sobs as he tried to wrench himself back under control. Images of claws and screaming people begging for their lives flickered behind his eyelids, made panic spread through every limb and his claws extend, tearing at the pillow. He tossed it away and turned onto his back. His arms came up in some futile attempt of hugging himself, trying to make the shaking stop. Part of him wanted to run from the room, find Lydia, find Isaac, but he couldn't dump _this_ of all things on them. Which left him exactly nowhere.

Well not entirely. There was Danny. If Danny even knew half of the problem. Then again, Danny wouldn't ask questions, not unless he thought Jackson was lying, or crazy, and showing up in Danny's room shaking with hastily wiped tears was far from the worst thing he had done.            

Jackson shoved himself out of bed, having enough decency to throw a shirt on before hopping out his window. Werewolf powers certainly made it an easier landing than it had been. Finding Danny's house was a matter of instinct, something he had been doing for years, more deeply engrained than his other habits. Weak? In pain? Find Danny. Sure, Lydia had become a part of that routine but it had started with Danny and now more than ever he needed someone entirely human, someone who wasn't tainted by everything the rest of them had been through.

It was two in the morning, but when Jackson settled onto the roof outside Danny's window, the light was still on. Danny was facing away from him on his computer, probably coding something illegal but a moment later, he turned towards Jackson. Ducking his head, Jackson opened the window and headed inside.

"You realize I can see you in my monitor, right?" Danny asked, pulling out his headphones. "And you could've knocked."

"I'm going for the whole 'Edward Cullen' vibe," Jackson said as he sat down on the edge of Danny's bed.

"Please don't. I find it creepy and definitely not romantic and I know you're classier than that," Danny said. He turned back to his computer and finished closing out some programs before rolling his chair over. "So, what's up? You look well...wrecked."

Jackson couldn't look at him, no matter how much he wanted to. "You know how...things got weird?"

"Duh. Things you _still_ won't talk to me about but hey, no judgment," Danny said. "Jackson what's wrong?"

"I'm having nightmares. About things I did and what...what was done to me," Jackson said, voice hushed. "And I can't tell you what that is, not yet, but just...please let me be around someone who wasn't involved with it?"

"God, you're such an idiot sometimes," Danny said. He got up and shoved the chair away before sitting down beside him. "I don't care that you're not telling me things. I care that you won't let me help you at _all_. So. I'm gonna hug you now. We good?"

"Super good," Jackson said.

Danny was taller and stronger than Jackson so manhandling Jackson into his lap wasn't a problem. He had just been waiting for Jackson's green light. It was a system that had created itself when they were younger, when Jackson was even more stubborn about taking comfort from people. Jackson had punched him when Danny tried to hug him when he was crying, so before trying again, Danny had asked.

" _We good?"_

_And teary-eyed, five-year-old Jackson had said, "Super good."_

"Why don't you go to Isaac or Lydia?" Danny asked as Jackson wrapped his arms around Danny's neck.

"Because they were too close to all of it," Jackson said. "And because you're easier to talk to then they are."

Danny shrugged. "Okay. I mean...they didn't hurt you, right?"

"Definitely not. More...I'm alive because of them," Jackson said.            

"Jesus," Danny said. "What did you get into?"

"I'll tell you, I swear, just...I can't right now," Jackson said. "I'm just scared to sleep on my own."

"Alright, alright," Danny said, broad hand smoothing down his back. "Get under the covers. I gotta change."

Jackson moved so Danny could stand before crawling under the covers. He couldn't stop shaking, especially with Danny gone. Danny was back in under a minute, killing the light and pulling Jackson close to his chest.

Eventually, he stopped shaking.

Eventually, he fell asleep.

 

-.-

 

"Rise and shine, I have cold pop-tarts," Danny said.

Jackson gave a muffled groan when Danny kicked his leg before pushing himself upright. Danny dropped a plate of cold pop-tarts on his lap before sitting down at his computer chair. Jackson ate without thinking, hating a little bit that Danny had showered and dampened Jackson's scent. When he was done eating, he helped himself to some of Danny's clothes and headed for the shower.

There was a part of him, a large part, that wanted to tell Danny the truth. Derek had warned him that their treaty with the Argents meant Danny couldn't join the pack until he was eighteen, but that didn't mean Danny couldn't _know_. After everything, Jackson wasn't sure how to keep Danny in the dark and continue living a partial lie with his best friend.

When he got back to Danny's room, the other was working at his computer. Jackson grabbed the back of the chair and dragged it and him towards the bed.

"We're going to talk," Jackson said.

"I was doing something," Danny said as Jackson sat down on the edge of his bed.

"Oh?"

"I was subscribing my ex to three years worth of Playboy on his mom's credit card," Danny said.

"As important as that is, you need to hear this," Jackson said.

"Yeah, yeah, I'm listening," Danny said.

"Okay so this is going to sound crazy but just...bear with me."

"Oh my God, Jackson. Out with it," Danny said.

"I'm a werewolf. And so is Scott and Isaac and Erica and Boyd," Jackson said in a rush. He paused, waiting for Danny's reaction.

"I'm suspending my disbelief so keep going," Danny said, meeting his eyes.

"Right. So Derek, he's the Alpha, bit me because I asked him to turn me," Jackson said. "It didn't work at first, partially because Lydia is immune and part of that got passed onto me and partially because I...I'm adopted."

"I'm gonna need you to clarify that last bit," Danny said.

"The uh...lack of identity and the way my parents died turned me into a kanima instead," Jackson said. "And kanimas crave a master and I found one."

"Did you know?" Danny asked. "What you had turned into I mean?"

"No," Jackson said. "I never remembered what I was forced to do."

"That tape," Danny said. "The one you had me check. That had something to do with it, didn't it?"

"I thought I was going to turn into a werewolf," Jackson said. "But...Matt edited it. Because he saw I was the kanima and he wanted to use me for himself."

"Wait. So he saw you turn into a monster and didn't _panic_ , but figured out how to control you?" Danny asked. "I always thought he was a tool."

"He had a vendetta, and he was angry. So...yeah. I was kind of a dream come true to him I guess," Jackson said. "And...most of this was explained to me by Derek and Scott. So...I don't know how exaggerated some of this is."

"That's fine. I'm still listening, right?" Danny said.

Jackson looked up at him. "Yeah. I guess you are."

"So. What else?"

"Matt had me kill Isaac's dad and some old swimmers and everyone in the police station on you know, the night he uh...died," Jackson said.

"Jesus Christ," Danny whispered. "All those people...that was you?"  
           

"Yeah. Derek and them tried to stop me but Matt was in control, until Allison's grandpa killed him," Jackson said.

_"What?"_

_"_ Allison's family hunts werewolves. And her grandpa uh...Gerard...he killed Matt so that he could get control over me," Jackson said.

"Okay, still sort of following," Danny said with a small frown.

"He made me..." Jackson stopped, leaning forward to grab Danny's shoulders tight.

"What, Jackson? The rest of this, okay, whatever, but you're kinda freaking me out right now," Danny said.

Jackson pressed his forehead into Danny's chest, arms shaking. "He made me kill myself, out there on the field. I told Lydia and everyone I don't remember any o-of it but I do!"

Danny's arms wrapped tight around him despite the awkward angle.

"Just flashes in my sleep y-you know? Me ripping them open. And then that fucking order!" The words were hissed out from Jackson's clenched jaw. "Kill yourself, you aren't useful anymore. That's what he said."

The old man's voice rang in his ears and finally, _finally_ , the sob he had been holding in broke free. Sure, Gerard had only been trying to make him evolve into whatever, but that didn't change the fact that even as a mindless killing machine, people couldn't find much of a use for him.

"Jackson, I need you to take a deep breath and let go. You're starting to hurt me. Just a bit," Danny said even as he ran soothing hands down his back.

Jackson recoiled, staring at the slashes in Danny's shirt, small shallow cuts peeking out from beneath them. "Danny-"

"No, no, don't you dare freak out on me now," Danny said, grabbing Jackson's chin firmly. "I just had my world turned upside down. A few cuts from the claws I didn't know you had is hardly my greatest concern right now."

"How...how can you still want to be around me?" Jackson asked. "After everything I just told you? I killed people Danny."

"No. That wasn't you. You couldn't stop yourself," Danny said, shaking his heart. "The Jackson I know doesn't kill people."

Jackson jerked out of his grip. "I'm not so sure I can say I'm that Jackson anymore."

"What else haven't you told me?"

"The hunters," Jackson said. "It's not just the Argents, but...some new ones came through and took Isaac awhile back. When we went to save him I...I killed someone again. That was all me."

A heavy sigh blew out from between Danny's lips. "Well, that changes some things but it doesn't change us. You're my best friend. Maybe you just need someone else to help keep you human."

Jackson looked up, a smile weak with relief on his face. "I don't understand your loyalty Danny."

Danny shrugged. "There is a reason I'm your best friend. It'd take more than this to change that. I do, however, reserve the right to freak the hell out once the shock dies down."

"I think that's more than acceptable," Jackson said.

"Good." Danny shoved him back and crawled up onto the bed beside him. "So I guess that's how you and Isaac became a thing, huh?"

"What, jealous?" Jackson asked, his voice still shaking even as he offered a smile.

Danny leaned against the wall and pulled Jackson between his legs, resting his chin on Jackson's shoulder. "Oh you know it. Well actually, in a weird way, I kinda was. I felt like I was losing you as a best friend. And maybe I was a little mad that I wasn't your first gay experience, but hey...at least we're gonna be open and honest now. Right?"

"Yeah," Jackson said. "But you can't....join the pack. Not yet anyways."

"What? That's lame," Danny said. "I was hoping I could calm down from my freak out with thoughts of being a really bad ass werewolf."

"You don't...have to get the bite to join the pack," Jackson said. His hand drifted up to wrap around one of Danny's, linking their fingers together. Touching people constantly was finally starting to become normal for him, having been so used to having a wall of indifference between himself and the rest of the world. With Danny though, there was never that wall to begin with, so the action felt entirely natural. "I...don't know if I want you to."

"Hey now, we're jumping the gun even talking about it," Danny said. "I mean, how long before I am allowed to join?"

"You want to?" Jackson asked, actually a bit surprised.

"Well yeah. You and Lydia are my best friends. Of course I want to be a part of something with you. And McCall is kind of cute and Isaac's not so bad either," Danny said with a teasing note in his voice.

"You are impossible," Jackson said, a short laugh making it passed his lips.

"Like I said. Too early to say for sure, but...I'll go where you guys go. I was never much of a leader to begin with. I like following. Even if it is headlong into danger and werewolves and all that," Danny said. "Someone's gotta look after you."

"Yeah. You're right."

Danny pressed a kiss to the top of his head. "So I'm allowed to ask a ton of questions, right? Because a lot of that is still really confusing me. Like, Allison's grandpa is a crazy serial killer, right?"

Jackson snorted. "Basically."

"Wait does this mean Allison is a crazy serial killer?"

"I'm not sure. I mean she is pretty psycho with a crossbow I hear."     

"Oh my God, what?" 


End file.
